Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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