one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
