this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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