If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
