Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
