Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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