I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
