Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
