i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
