he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
