I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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