Swine flu. Run for my life!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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