please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
