i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
