two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
