So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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