I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I understand Curling. That high.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm always down for nudity.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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