If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
