be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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