I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
