she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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