i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
