go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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