im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
