Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
