She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
