i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
