We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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