Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
