i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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