I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
