Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I need to stop coming to work sober
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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