I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
