I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
NoShamevember. You game?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
