wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
