apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
