DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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