I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
