"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
