I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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