I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
