I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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