I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
