nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
