Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
