I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
