The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
