Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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