If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
