i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
