The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
