I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
