bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
